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Ask the Great Maw - The Great Maw | |
| I feel that I am eating too much, is that true? Let me stop you there son, oh wait, you’re finished. Let me get a few ground rules straight before I even start to tackle this question, however pitiful it may be. Firstly, I’ll talk about power relationships and the food chain. Y’see, me being the greatest, am at the top of the food chain. You, being significantly less awesome are somewhere near the bottom of the food chain, right down there with the rocks and dirt and stuff, maybe below it if that’s possible, I’m not going to argue semantics with lesser beings. As this is the case, you need to address me in the proper form. Something respectful but not too sycophantic like ‘Oh Great One’ or ‘Your Magnificence’ but definitely not “Yo Great Maw, waddup?” Worst still, with no introduction whatsoever you don’t even give me any of the utmost respect I deserve at all, give me one reason I shouldn’t just remove your fingertips to avoid future breaches of etiquette? Even a ‘Good Day, Grand Stomach, can I vomit on your shoes?’ would be been allowed, even if it is a little weird and might get you sent on the sunshine bus. Secondly, you don’t even identify yourself so that I can know your name. How am I supposed to make fun of you for having problems if I can’t get others to laugh along? Laughter is much more hurtful when more than one person/god/giant mouth/online community is in on the joke… and pointing at you, showing how you have failed in this rat race you call life by admitting you don’t know everything. You came to the right place to talk about your inadequacies, I might add, because I do know everything. Well, I can’t just carry on not knowing your name so I will make one up for you… hmm, normally I get my prophets to do all the inventive stuff, but this is a mission of great importance… I mean, you asked me a question and everything! You whole life depends on the answer! That will make such a difference to everyone else’s lives! Without this precious answer to my question, the world will not continue! So really I’m doing this for the world, not because you were the only one to ask me a question… I got lots of people who wanted to know ‘Why’ and also ‘How’ but also ‘Seedless grapes, greatest invention ever?’ and ‘Fishchips…’ Stupid idea, everyone knows you can’t use a potato peeler on a fish. Besides, if a potato peeler was used for fish, it wouldn’t be called a potato peeler, but a fish peeler, and they don’t exist. Until a Fish peeler is invented, fishchips will remain a stupid idea, after that it will only be a mildly moronic one. Now, back to your name. Lets see, what do I know about you…
Well, the only thing I can come up with is that you are probably a zombie: un-dead, check… Hunger for brains; check… slouching with groans, check. Yup, it all screams zombie to me. So, Zombie Kid, lets take an in depth look at your question. That’s a good one, Zombie Kid, I mean you’ve covered one of my favourite pastimes and have linked it back to how valid my opinion is also, good work for a purposeless minion! I bet the necromancer or vampire that raised you gave themselves a slap on the back for that one. Now, being a zombie must be hard for you, and I don’t know if my reply will help you anyway, as I bet you can hardly read. Maybe you can get a ghoul to read this out to you, don’t try and get a skeleton to, they don’t have vocal chords and it might get upset, try and gnaw your face off. I know I would, but I’d probably do that anyway. Old meat doesn’t agree with me though so you are probably safe from me eating you, especially as I’m not a skeleton and I don’t have any bones that can be reanimated to become one either. I digress anyway, to simply answer your question. Since you are a zombie and don’t have the issues of putting on weight or even digesting food, then I would say you probably aren’t eating too much, unless you are not getting rid of the food, then you might explode in a shower of food and zombie gore. Now all those you have bitten and infected as zombies may not agree that you are not eating too much, but they are in no position to disagree due to the fact they are mindless and all. Sometimes being a zombie seems like an easy life, I think it has its good points but they rarely get any free time to do anything other than eat brains or do general lurching. They can’t run for it, either, only gimp for it which isn’t as impressive… unless the zombie has really long legs with extra joints, then it might be interesting. So to summarise:
Stay stupid! The Great Maw | |
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